On July 23, 2015 I lost a baby inside my womb. I miscarried. This post is not to flaunt my miscarriage, or make others feel bad for me. While I know many friends would like to have known that I lost a little Spirit, I am writing about it for two main reasons- 1. I want my baby’s story to be remembered because that little Spirit is still a part of our family, and 2- this experience has been a Testimony builder for both Josh and I and feel like I would like to share it with others.
There is so much I want to say. Partly because my hormones are still out of wack, so forgive me if the post is scattered, and it will probably be a bit long! Read what you want, but if nothing else- read the 3rd to last paragraph!
The Surprise Pregnancy
As many of you know we have two very precious kids already, Payson is 3 and Avenly is 1 today (I am writing this on her birthday. She probably doesn’t care). This 3rd baby was a complete surprise to us, so this little Spirit must really want to come to our family. (I still believe the Spirit wants to come to us, and will when the time is right).
I was filled with a mix of emotions when I saw the positive pregnancy test. (I had a feeling it would be positive, but delayed testing for a few days because I wasn’t sure I was ready to admit it). My thoughts were something like this: “I am not ready for three kids.” “Avenly and the baby will be so close together.” “Avenly will be at that crazy stage when the baby is born.” “How will I be able to do this?” Then, after a brief time my thoughts started turning to this: “It will be so cute to see a 3rd one play with Payson and Avenly.” “The Lord trusted me to get pregnant now, so I must be able to handle it.” “It will be fine.” “I am excited we are having another one!!!” Then, I started spotting…
The Lord helped to prepare Josh and me
I was in Lake Tahoe with my family when I started bleeding- more than spotting. It was the last day we were there, and I had a feeling this baby was not going to make it. I actually think the Spirit was telling me sooner, and that is why I chose not to tell my family I was pregnant while we were in Lake Tahoe. I didn’t want to go through the happy motions knowing that I was probably going to miscarry. In fact, the feeling was so strong that I discussed with Josh I didn’t want to focus on the baby at all because I didn’t want to get attached. (I think trying not to get attached helped a little, but the truth is after the miscarriage- I was/still am sad).
I even believe I felt the little Spirit leave my body sometime earlier in the week before my actual miscarriage. The rest of the days I bled, and was confused. I even thought my first pregnancy test was a false positive, which is really rare. I took another test, which was positive, and had Josh give me a blessing. We had a very special Spiritual experience. For the purpose of keeping it special and sacred to Josh and I, I am not going to share on this post, but know that it helped to strengthen our Testimony that God is watching out for us, and everything would be okay.
Life can be a bit confusing- especially in instances when science somewhat contradicts miracles. In our case, we had another positive pregnancy test, but we had a Spiritual experience that wasn’t exactly in line with the pregnancy test. Do we stick with science and the positive pregnancy tests, or do we stay close to the Spirit knowing the Lord has let us know that the baby has gone home for the time being? With science there was only confusion. With the Spirit, there was/is comfort, and a knowledge that even though we were not going to have this baby right now, someday we would. The baby deserves a body that is whole, and for whatever reason the first body it was placed in did not survive. The days before the actual miscarriage were a blessing and a tender mercy from the Lord.
The Miscarriage
I warn you- this section is a bit gory. If you don’t want to be grossed out, you may want to skip it!
All week long I had been trying to get a doctor because I was bleeding, and obviously thought I was going to miscarry. With not much luck because of insurance issues or no availability, I was finally able to get an appointment for the next week. The nurse at the office told me if I get a lot of pain or bleed a lot more than go to the ER. So, for the time being, I was fine. I was just going to live my life, and wait for my appointment on Tuesday and probably get an ultrasound. I was expecting the worse at the ultrasound, but until then I was just going to be me! Until, I started hemorrhaging.
Josh actually had a class in Sacramento, so the kids and I tagged along because we needed to get new tires on our new car and it was my chance to get some errands done in the “Big” city. Shortly before we picked up Josh at his class, I started cramping. Shortly after I picked him up, we went to Sam’s Club, where I started bleeding- not just bleeding- overflowing 3 big pads in 5 minutes. It was time to head to the ER.
The drive to the ER felt like forever. As soon as I stood up out of the car, I literally started gushing blood. It was running down my legs covering my shoes and feet. I ran to the check in desk, and I think I may have been in a little bit of shock because I just stood there. I could feel the blood pouring out of me, and I was so embarrassed because it was literally making a puddle on the floor. It was like a scene from a movie. I felt like people were just staring at me, and not doing anything. It wasn’t until I finally said- “I think I am having a miscarriage” that the staff jumped into action. One guy brought me a wheel chair, while another went to get the gurney. The wheel chair guy wheeled me into the private room- thank goodness- and gave me bags to put my clean and bloody clothes in. Of course, I left a huge bloody mess on the floor in the room while I was changing into my hospital gown. I kept apologizing for bleeding everywhere, and they were all so nice about it.
After I was settled on the gurney bed they took my vitals and what not. I don’t think I realized what happened until someone asked, “Are you pregnant?” Even though I knew what was happening, and even though I knew the baby was already gone. It was hard to answer. I said, “Well, I was 2 hours ago,” and then I realized this was real, and my heart broke!
At one point earlier in the evening the doctor cleaned out a lot of blood clots from my body. After already loosing so much blood, and then a whole bunch more when he removed the blood clots- we had a scare. I, all of the sudden, felt like I was going to pass out, and told the doctor I was light headed. I had to focus on keeping my eyes open and breath because the room was getting darker and fuzzier. As I was falling more and more out of it, I somewhat noticed about 6 people in the room that weren’t there before. One was doing another iv on the other arm, another was giving me oxygen, another was taking my blood pressure. It seemed intense. As I was coming back to more awareness, the doctor asked if he could give me a blood transfusion if he had to. At first I didn’t answer because I was shocked that I was even a candidate for a blood transfusion, but then he said something else, and I said it was ok. They set everything up for a transfusion just in case. Luckily, I didn’t end up needing one because my blood count was just high enough. It was close, though!
I was at the hospital until 2:30 am. The whole time I was there Josh had the kids with him, and was so good to take them to the park, and spend the evening with them. They came and saw me once in the hospital, but even then I didn’t want them to stay too long. The ER is not really a great place for little kids who don’t need to be there. Josh ended up getting a hotel in Sacramento, and he took a sick day on Friday to help me out.
Post Miscarriage
My emotions were okay Thursday in the ER, and although I was very weak and tired from loosing a lot of blood, my emotions were even okay Friday morning. It wasn’t until that evening when my hormones realized what happened and went crazy! The truth is- I thought I was okay. I thought I was handling the loss of our unborn child just fine, but I now realize that it is still a loss, I am still the mother of that little Spirit who was not able to come to this earth at this time. I had to cry! I had to let it all out, and I may still cry some-more, but I am okay!!
I can’t imagine having a miscarriage without the knowledge that Families are Forever and that Jesus Christ came to this Earth for us so that we can live as he did, and be Resurrected as he did, which makes it possible to be together forever as a family. Something that I have reminded myself through this whole process is that the Spirit that tried to come to our family, and didn’t make it all the way, will get to still. He or she will get to come either in another body in this life, or in the Millennium. Josh and I WILL get to raise that baby, and it WILL become a part of our family. It is now up to us to live the best we can, so that we can be considered worthy to raise that precious Spirit and other future Spirits that may come into our family, and we must continue to to do our best and teach our two precious children that we already have so that all of us can live happily ever after!!
The Lord gives us trials to strengthen us, and even though the trials are hard when we are dealing with them- I always seem to feel extra close to the Spirit when I am going through the trials. It’s like Heavenly Father gives us extra love and comfort to let us know he is still there even in our time of pain. He is there for us, and will ALWAYS be there. He loves us so much he grieves when we grieve. He loves us so much, that he gave us Jesus Christ who suffered as we do and who endured much much more than any person ever did or every will. I can’t write this blog post without testifying of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and his love for us because so much of that Gospel is what makes it easier to get through tough times. So much of that Gospel is about family, and so much of it is a comfort when someone (even an unborn child) is no longer with us on this earth. I am grateful for it, and want anyone who may be reading this- that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for EVERYONE. It is up to us if we choose to let it be a part of our lives.
I also wanted to throw out how grateful I am to Josh for being such an amazing husband and father. He has been so good to me by not only taking the kids to the park more than once, but also serving me and bringing me roses. He is a solid foundation in our marriage, and I am so glad for his example.
One more shout out: another reason I love the Gospel so much is because we are taught to love others as Jesus loves us and to serve. Josh’s boss’s wife and other wonderful ladies from our ward Relief Society brought us dinner for a few nights. Everyone has been so kind, and I can feel the many prayers that have been said on our behalf. Thank you!!
